Hiding Away

So I have been absent the last month, and I'm sorry that I have been away for so long without giving anyone a heads up. 

I'm sorry. 

I'm also feeling guilty, ashamed, embarrassed and just a little bit sad. 

In the beginning of September I received some really bad personal news. This news was life-changing and left me rethinking everything I had ever worked towards. I was devastated, and would just randomly burst into bouts of crying. For the last month I have slowly been coming to terms with it, and it's only now that I'm actually feeling like facing the world again.

In the midst of what felt like world-ending devastation I was able to keep my diet and exercise resolve for about a week. For the first week, I told myself "I will not let this ruin everything in my life. Despite how bad this is I still have control over what I eat and when I go to the gym". 

So I watched what I ate, and exercised like crazy. BUT for an entire week I gained 400g (0.9lbs) a day! I was being just as strict with my diet, eating like a saint, but still gaining. I gained 2.5kg (5lbs) in total! So with the added feeling of failure (because I had gained so much weight), I fucking cracked: "If I'm going to gain weight, I may as well do it eating foods I like! What is the point of so severely restricting my diet if it doesn't work? ... Everything is ruined! There is no point to anything" 

This extreme frustration and hurt lead to me eating delicious pastries and a whole pizza. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that, the outburst of binge eating lead to me gaining even more weight (another 2kg/ 4 lbs). 

I spent September being really upset, really hurt about what had happened, and I just hid away from the world as much as possible (online and off). I lost motivation to do most things and only went to the gym once or twice a week. 

I'm back now, and I'm planning on continuing with the blog. Over the last couple of weeks I've had some thoughts about how I might want to change my diet, and some different things I've tried, but I'll tell you more about that tomorrow. 

For now I just want to let you all know I'm back ... 

Sometimes The Gym, Just Ain't My Thing

Urgh. My last week has definitely not been my best. In fact it hasn't even been mediocre. It's just been crappy, I have been crappy, everything has been kind of shit. I've spent the last week in bed sick and I've comforted myself with comfort foods. I haven't been able to exercise (and you know I actually missed it) and I didn't get the stress relief that it provides. This has been INCREDIBLY FRUSTRATING! But as I've started to feel better, I've been more positive and I'm not going to stress-out about it, or let it make me upset. Getting sick is part of life, and it is EXACTLY THIS TYPE OF THING, that I was allowing for when I made my monthly weight loss goals. At the end of the day, even though I haven't exercised, even if I did over eat, I am still on track to meet my end of August goal! I'm going to be fit and fantastic, and getting sick is not going to stop me (bitches!). 

However, last Friday (17/8) was a different matter ... 

I was feeling a bit rundown and tired. My throat was a little sore and I just wasn't feeling very energetic. I figured that on Wednesday and Thursday I had pushed myself too far at the gym (because I had fucking rocked my workouts!). Friday's symptoms I explained away, and I even found some discussion threads that linked a sore throat to working out too hard. 

So I compromised, I would study at home, mostly in bed, and then  go to the gym Friday night to do a core strength class and then a Kettle Bell routine. This was a mistake. 

Before I continue I want to clear a few things up. More often than not, I usually feel highly ambivalent about the gym. My feelings are in conflict. I "know" that I need to go to the gym to reach my fitness and weight loss targets. I know that after (if not during) I will feel better. I know that by that 10 minute marker I will enjoy being there, and wonder why I was trying to talk myself out of it all afternoon. I also know that it's completely up to me just how hard I want to work out. Despite knowing all these things, despite planning my day around it, and already packing my gym bag the night before, I will usually try to talk myself out of going. I remember the pain in my thighs after a workout, or when it hurts to laugh after doing a core-strength class. Mostly, I come up with false excuses, and for some reason (that I'd probably have to spend thousands of dollars trying to figure out) I can be quite self-defeating about the gym. 

After three months of gym going (at least twice a week!) I now go 99% of the time, but there is a small part of me that doesn't like it. Until last Friday (17/8) this disliking part would vanish when I walked into class. I would start moving, pumping, squatting, lunging etc. and I would start to feel better. This feeling good would keep increasing as my workout progressed. I love the gym because it's my opportunity to zone-the-fuck-out. It's the one place where I can stop thinking. I'm a very driven person and not understanding something drives me crazy! It's one of the reasons I do well at philosophy, I will keep thinking about a problem or question until I solve it. I will think about it in the shower, driving to uni, before I go to sleep, while watching a movie; in fact it's not uncommon for me to dream about it. I can be an obsessive over thinker. The gym however is one place where problems get driven from my mind. As I said I get into the zone, and after 5 minutes at the gym - I love it! 

But this did not happen on Friday. I just did not feel good. I just wasn't feeling "it". I wasn't being positive. I couldn't stop comparing myself to the other women there, and even though I was able to do a couple of moves that I couldn't do the week before, I was depressed. All I could see were my faults. So the class ended and I decided I would still do my Kettle Bell workout. I only got halfway though. Suddenly, (and hopefully inconspicuously) I burst into tears, right in the middle of the gym. All I could think was that I was never going to reach my goal weight and size, that I was kidding myself with this gym thing, and that I was too unfit, and too fat, to ever be any different. 

It was only after I had calmed down, and was in the shower, that I realised I was getting sick. Not only did I still have a sore throat, I now also recognised I had a headache, a temperature and was feeling nauseous and did not feel like eating (which is VERY RARE for me). Once I figured out I was sick it was much easier to be nice about myself again. It was ok that I was feeling this way, and I was only being so negative about myself because I was  feeling like complete crap. I forgave myself. 

I ended up being spending the next week in bed, taking it easy. I learnt that pushing myself if I wasn't feeling up to it, was going to end in disaster. Now that I am finally feeling better I'm getting back into my gym routine, but in the future I will listen to my body!

Flying at the Sun with Wax Wings

 We all know the cautionary tale of Icarus who is given wings made of wax and feathers by his father Daedalus. Icarus is warned not to fly too close to the sun, but he gets caught up in the moment. In his joy and love for flying, he loses sight of common sense. He becomes ambitious and overconfident as he flies higher and higher, getting closer and closer to the sun, until his wings melt, and he falls to his death. 

I, like Icarus, continually fly too close to the sun. I am notorious at setting myself unrealistic goals to achieve in a ridiculously short amount of time. I get caught up in the instantaneous joy of "making a life changing decision", "finally doing something", or "unleashing my full potential". Basically I get motivated to diet, and each time I choose the quick fix, knowing all the dangers, but assuring myself that "this time will be different". 

In reality I become over ambitious, and stop thinking rationally about the consequences. I get caught up in emotion, that rush of desire to be amazing. I then measure my awesomeness based on two numbers: either my weight or my clothing size. More often then not I use both. This rush towards finally taking "positive action"/ "doing something with my life" leads to fad dieting, unhappiness and the motivation disappears as fast as it originally came. I crash and burn. 

Some fantastic examples of past completely unachievable goals I've set myself have been: 

•   lose 10kg (22lbs!) in a month

•   do 2 hours of exercise EVERY day, no matter what. 

•   cycle up Mount Wellington (which cycling fans will know is a HC rated climb. HC is the HARDEST rating a climb can have. Enough to make Lance Armstrong's face a canvas of pain!)

•   cycling from Perth to Melbourne, with no prior training (that's only 3,600km/2,237miles)

•   Eat 400 calories a day, until I'm an Australian size 8 (US size 4)

ok, so by now you probably get the picture. You probably also noted that none of the above goals are shining examples of a healthy attitude to weight loss. OF COURSE I failed. Anyone with these goals would fail. 

... and let me tell you failing SUCKS! I would get in this cycle of setting unrealistic goals, taking extreme measures to achieve them, only lasting 3-16 days and feeling miserable because I was depriving myself, then I would succumb and have a breakout. One breakout, would become two, and before you know it I was eating the ENTIRE block of chocolate. This would lead to feeling like I was incapable of doing anything, a loser who was doomed to be fat forever, and I would beat myself up about being weak, lazy, stupid and obviously not wanting 'it' enough. 

Instead of realising that what I was trying to do was unhealthy and impossible, I would blame myself and see only inadequacy. Further as I slowly spiralled into being more depressed about it, I would comfort myself with - you guessed it - chocolate! At my lowest point I could eat FOUR blocks (that's 1kg or 2.2lbs) a week. This was on top of the sugary hot chocolates, the crunchy crisps and the bread and honey I would also regularly eat. As I said, my actions meant I was doomed to fail! 

So this time is different. I'm setting myself reasonable goals and following a diet that is sustainable. 

My weight goal is to weigh 64kg (142lbs). 

I'm currently 85kg (187lbs) and my heaviest weight this January was 93.5kg (206lbs).

That means that in total I would like to lose 29.5kg (64lbs)

My clothing size goal is to fit into an Australian size 10 (US size 6). 

I'm currently a size 14 (US size 10) and my biggest was a size 16 (US size 12).

So I would like to lose 3 dress sizes in total. 

Time-wise,  I am going to try to do it slowly and realistically. 

To allow for life (stress, setbacks, breakouts, holidays, parties, family gatherings etc) I'm going to try and lose 1.5kg (3.3lbs) a month. 

My weight at the beginning of August was 87kg (192lbs). Here is a complete list of my weight loss goals per month. 

2012

End of August = 85.5kg (189 lbs.)

End of September  = 84kg (185 lbs)

End of October = 82.5kg (182lbs)

End of November = 81kg (178lbs)

End of December = 79.5kg(175lbs) 

2013

End of January = 78kg (172lbs)

End of February = 76.5kg (169lbs)

End of March = 75kg (165lbs)

End of April = 73.5kg (162lbs)

End of May = 72kg (159lbs)

End of June = 70.5kg (156lbs)

End of July = 69kg (152lbs)

End of August = 67.5kg (149lbs)

End of September  = 66kg (146lbs)

End of October = 64.5 kg (142lbs)

End of November = 64 kg (141lbs)

So in 16 months I plan on losing 23kg (51lbs)! 

By doing it this gradually I'm hoping to keep my lovely wax wings intact.