Urgh. My last week has definitely not been my best. In fact it hasn't even been mediocre. It's just been crappy, I have been crappy, everything has been kind of shit. I've spent the last week in bed sick and I've comforted myself with comfort foods. I haven't been able to exercise (and you know I actually missed it) and I didn't get the stress relief that it provides. This has been INCREDIBLY FRUSTRATING! But as I've started to feel better, I've been more positive and I'm not going to stress-out about it, or let it make me upset. Getting sick is part of life, and it is EXACTLY THIS TYPE OF THING, that I was allowing for when I made my monthly weight loss goals. At the end of the day, even though I haven't exercised, even if I did over eat, I am still on track to meet my end of August goal! I'm going to be fit and fantastic, and getting sick is not going to stop me (bitches!).
However, last Friday (17/8) was a different matter ...
I was feeling a bit rundown and tired. My throat was a little sore and I just wasn't feeling very energetic. I figured that on Wednesday and Thursday I had pushed myself too far at the gym (because I had fucking rocked my workouts!). Friday's symptoms I explained away, and I even found some discussion threads that linked a sore throat to working out too hard.
So I compromised, I would study at home, mostly in bed, and then go to the gym Friday night to do a core strength class and then a Kettle Bell routine. This was a mistake.
Before I continue I want to clear a few things up. More often than not, I usually feel highly ambivalent about the gym. My feelings are in conflict. I "know" that I need to go to the gym to reach my fitness and weight loss targets. I know that after (if not during) I will feel better. I know that by that 10 minute marker I will enjoy being there, and wonder why I was trying to talk myself out of it all afternoon. I also know that it's completely up to me just how hard I want to work out. Despite knowing all these things, despite planning my day around it, and already packing my gym bag the night before, I will usually try to talk myself out of going. I remember the pain in my thighs after a workout, or when it hurts to laugh after doing a core-strength class. Mostly, I come up with false excuses, and for some reason (that I'd probably have to spend thousands of dollars trying to figure out) I can be quite self-defeating about the gym.
After three months of gym going (at least twice a week!) I now go 99% of the time, but there is a small part of me that doesn't like it. Until last Friday (17/8) this disliking part would vanish when I walked into class. I would start moving, pumping, squatting, lunging etc. and I would start to feel better. This feeling good would keep increasing as my workout progressed. I love the gym because it's my opportunity to zone-the-fuck-out. It's the one place where I can stop thinking. I'm a very driven person and not understanding something drives me crazy! It's one of the reasons I do well at philosophy, I will keep thinking about a problem or question until I solve it. I will think about it in the shower, driving to uni, before I go to sleep, while watching a movie; in fact it's not uncommon for me to dream about it. I can be an obsessive over thinker. The gym however is one place where problems get driven from my mind. As I said I get into the zone, and after 5 minutes at the gym - I love it!
But this did not happen on Friday. I just did not feel good. I just wasn't feeling "it". I wasn't being positive. I couldn't stop comparing myself to the other women there, and even though I was able to do a couple of moves that I couldn't do the week before, I was depressed. All I could see were my faults. So the class ended and I decided I would still do my Kettle Bell workout. I only got halfway though. Suddenly, (and hopefully inconspicuously) I burst into tears, right in the middle of the gym. All I could think was that I was never going to reach my goal weight and size, that I was kidding myself with this gym thing, and that I was too unfit, and too fat, to ever be any different.
It was only after I had calmed down, and was in the shower, that I realised I was getting sick. Not only did I still have a sore throat, I now also recognised I had a headache, a temperature and was feeling nauseous and did not feel like eating (which is VERY RARE for me). Once I figured out I was sick it was much easier to be nice about myself again. It was ok that I was feeling this way, and I was only being so negative about myself because I was feeling like complete crap. I forgave myself.
I ended up being spending the next week in bed, taking it easy. I learnt that pushing myself if I wasn't feeling up to it, was going to end in disaster. Now that I am finally feeling better I'm getting back into my gym routine, but in the future I will listen to my body!
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